Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Since You Asked: 20 Things You're Dying to Know About My Huge Family


I recently read that Thomas F. Wilson – the actor famous for playing Biff Tannen in the Back to the Future movies – no longer addresses fan inquiries about his connection to that classic '80s trilogy. Evidently tired of the same old questions, the actor simply hands out concisely worded, postcard-sized accounts of his experience as the McFly boys' bullying antagonist, and leaves it at that. Seems to me like a novel, time- and breath-saving solution to what must be a daily bane for him. And the reason I mention it is that Biff's FAQ-busting postcard has given me an idea.

You see, one of the first things people usually learn about me is the fact that I come from a rather large family. It is, quite frankly, the most interesting thing I have to share with others. I have four brothers, and twice as many sisters. That makes thirteen of us altogether, and yes – that's one big-ass family. 

Without fail, this revelation is met with disbelieving shock and awe. More often than not, it triggers a barrage of wide-eyed inquiries about what it was like growing up in such a large family. Fortunately, I love talking about my family, and I eat up the small-time notoriety this bit of personal trivia gives me among my peers. But there are times when the questioning becomes predictable, repetitive, and a little bit silly. And occasionally, the questions can get quite inappropriate, and even offensive, leaving me to wonder in what universe it's cool to ask about the boudoir habits and contraceptive practices of a new acquaintance's parents. 

Added to this are the subtly judgmental assumptions about our upbringing that members of my family have been deflecting since childhood ...

Concerned parent: "Oh, you poor child. You must be starving."


Amy (my sister): "No, I'm actually fine, thank you."

Parent: "Whatever. Here's a yogurt."

(My folks fed us all just fine, as a matter of fact. But hey, some people just want to save the world one Yoplait at a time.)

Anyway, that Biff article got me thinking: what if I just started handing out a list of short answers to the twenty most frequently asked questions about my big family? It could save us all a lot of time and breath, and hopefully dispense with a few uncomfortable discussions about my mom and dad's procreative business. And with the right amount of humor and finesse (and not a hint of sarcasm), this otherwise curt, self-important gesture would come across as funny and charming.

I think if I were to author such a list, it would probably read something like this:
  1. Yes, we're all from the same mom and dad, and no, none of us was adopted. (At least that's what they told us.)

  2. Yes, Catholic (East Coast). No, not Mormon. Catholic (West Coast).

  3. Why yes, my parents did have A LOT of sex. I mean, they must have, right? They had thirteen kids! And it's my understanding that the more kids you've got running around, the more time and energy and privacy there is for that kind of thing. So yeah, it was basically a nonstop-intercourse marathon for them. Of course, that was never any of my business, but I'm glad you didn't assume it's none of yours. Thanks for asking.
     

  4. Well, since you so politely inquired, my parents' views on birth control can be summarized thusly:



  5. Yes, my parents did in fact plan to have that many kids. I know thirteen is a large and oddly specific number to shoot for, but my folks had a thing for tormenting the sufferers of Triskaidekaphobia. (Sorry, Mike).

  6. I don't know if I plan to have that many kids. Or any kids at all, for that matter. Let's just go with whatever answer scares you enough to get me out of this awful first date in a hurry.

  7. The age range is fifteen years between the oldest and youngest. And thirteen kids in fifteen years sounds downright reasonable when you consider that the first four had an age range of 21 months (in other words, four babies in less than two years). Yes ... my poor mother.

  8. Yes, there are twins. Two of them.

  9. I'm the ninth-born overall (the Beatles even did a song about me), but unlike the eight Long Islanders before me, I was the first one born in Vermont. And that's all that really matters.

  10. No, actually, I can't name all my siblings. Why would you ask? They're just my siblings.

  11. Okay, fine, I will name all my brothers and sisters for you, even though it kinda feels like you're just challenging me to prove that I can:

    (*deep breath*)

    MaryTheresaMauraBobbyJimmyAmyKatieTimmyDannyPeggyVirginiaStephenBrigid.

    Backwards now? Oh, for the love ...

    (*another deep breath*)

    BrigidStephenVirginiaPeggyDannyTimmyKatieAmyJimmyBobbyMauraTheresaMary.

    Satisfied? Good. Now please excuse me while I go and try not to pass out.

  12. Yes, we all look alike, in that we all look like we're related. I don't think we're that difficult to tell apart, if that's what you mean. Like, I'm pretty sure no one ever mistakes me for my sister Peggy. And we all try not to dress in the same outfits. We do, however, all have the same freakishly large earlobes.

  13. Yes, there was a lot of laundry, and it piled up quickly. But it was never anything the occasional match and can of lighter fluid couldn't make quick work of.

  14. Yes, our house was pretty big. There were seven or eight bedrooms, but that doesn't mean I wasn't once sharing a room with three of my brothers. And there was only one shower in the house. Made for some fun traffic jams in the morning. My dad used to say that his idea of heaven was thirteen bathrooms, and zero children ... I think he was joking.

  15. Yes, we ate our meals in shifts. But only to help regulate the whole pooping in shifts thing.

  16. No joke, we went through two gallons of milk per day. High gas prices? Psssh. We were all about the price of milk (which, incidentally, was cheapest at the gas station). My parents thought about investing in a cow, but this one wasn't available.  

  17. No, my folks were not rich. But only because they never realized they could exploit their kids for profit. They did, however, know how to exploit us all for pizza:

    Circa 1982, the ad says, "When we say we're a 'FAMILY AFFORDABLE RESTAURANT' we mean it ... Just ask Wayne and Ann Thies and their 10 children. Bring your family in and see just how affordable we are!" ... they went out of business soon after.
    (Also, no, we don't know the Duggars. I mean, we see them at all the big-family meetings. But we're not social with them.)

  18. Yes, I am close with all of my brothers and sisters. Just like war or prison or jury duty, doing time in a big family creates powerful bonds that no petty feud or rivalry could ever undo. (But the moment one of them defects from Team Bieber, they should consider themselves DISOWNED.)

  19. I don't know who the black sheep is. Why would you assume there's a black sheep? Does that mean the rest of us are supposed to be a bunch of cookie-cutter conformists? Maybe we're just a big flock of black sheep. And you know what? We're all freakin' delightful.

    (There are, however, a couple of proud "pink sheep" in the family. I won't mention both of their names, but, you know ... "guilty.")

  20. And finally, no, we did not grow up on a farm. It was more of a compound, really. Sure, we grew our own food there, but we also stockpiled weapons and survival gear, and made plans to re-populate the world after the coming Armageddon. We only moved into town after the feds seized the place and indicted our Leader for tax evasion. I'm not sure if the end is still nigh, but with my family's newest generation now numbering 25 kids, the whole re-population thing seems to be coming along nicely.

    Anyway, isn't it kind of impolite for you to be asking all these probing questions? I mean, what were you, raised on a farm?

And there you have it, folks. Everything you could possibly want to know about growing up big-family style. Have any more questions? Feel free to drop them off in the comments section (no matter how obvious, assumptive, or bizarrely probing they might be). I promise to respond with only the gentlest of sarcasm. And if you're looking for more funny stories about peoples' wacky reactions to big families, check out my sister-in-law's spot-on blog post about being a busy mother of four. She is a riot!

Thanks for reading, folks, and thanks for keepin' it classy!

16 comments:

  1. Hilarious Dan! Love it! 11- ha! So Good Will Hunting! And 16- strange but true- I still have no idea why but it's really a lot cheaper at the gas station....
    Good stuff!

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    1. Ha! Good Will Hunting. I remember watching that scene for the first time and thinking, "wow, that's my life!"

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  2. Hi Dan!
    I would like to know what your family used for motor vehicle transportation...I do not remember you coming to school in a Greyhound bus. ~Katharine (Gatz) Rancourt

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    1. Not a Greyhound bus, but for a while we did have this big mint-green van that seated like 11 people (and all of us if we squeezed).

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  3. Thank God Cecilia quit Team Bieber last year. PHEW!

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  4. Question: Is it, in fact, cheaper by the dozen?

    I heart the Thies Family and I heart this post.

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    Replies
    1. Yup, we're talkin' bargain-basement prices by the dozen.

      Speak of the Daniel Hearts you and all your BPM madness!

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  5. Well this was just delightful. And informative! My favorite kind of blog post.

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  6. You're hilarious! xD
    My mum has 14 siblings, so i'm used to the reactions ''You have 14 uncles and aunts? And 23 cousins?! OMG!'' xD

    Greetings from Portugal

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  7. Wow, hello to you in Portugal!

    And wow, 23 cousins. I think boyfriend has about that many from his dad's family. I'm pretty sure he hasn't even met them all yet.

    Thanks for reading!

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  8. This is an excellent idea, thanks for the laughs too! I come from a small (7 child) family and so far we're up to 23 in neices and nephews, people keep asking me when I'll have kids to which I usually respond.. "are you joking me? do you realise how much Christmas time costs already?!" I'm only half joking.

    Also, I love your blog, found the link on The Everywhereist and can't get enough.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Chantel! Hope to have some new posts up for you to enjoy soon!

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  9. This is hilarious! And I don't care how many siblings you have, no one wants people - especially strangers - speculating about their parents' sex life. (I know this because my sister and I are eleven months apart.)

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  10. People are awfully creative in their nosiness - I hadn't even thought of most of those questions. Lovelovelove your answers, though!

    I never explain to people that two of my five are step kids. Partly because it's none of their business, and partly because their fear and awe of my uterus is my favorite part of going out in public.

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